Developing deeper relationships

Finding & Nurturing Meaningful Relationships in the Wild

Do you yearn to get more connected with your local community and make new friends? Are you desiring to go beyond superficial relationships, find greater purpose in life, and build a stronger sense of community? Our bonds with others, far beyond just romantic relationships, strongly influence our quality of life and sense of belonging and safety, yet we rarely give them much consideration. The human experience is one filled with the full spectrum of emotions: joy, fulfillment, fear, malaise, disgust, hatred, confusion, excitement, surprise, longing, and sadness, among many other complicated feelings. Everyday life can sometimes feel mundane, a series of meaningless transactions boiled down to going through the motions, and checking off to-do lists.

Confession time: I have a strong aversion to small talk with strangers, whether it be at the grocery store, the bank, the post office, the gas station (no EV yet), and even the local Starbucks. This distaste for small talk perhaps stems from my extreme desire to minimize my time spent running errands, my penchant for leaving the house in sweats and flip-flops, and my borderline traumatizing years in customer service, where I was coached to fake smile and upsell often. More often than not, my smiles were genuine and authentic, and I made some good friends over the years — but we were always pushed to do more. Be more friendly, sell more products, smile even if you're having a horrible day, and even monitor our word choices - all for the sake of creating the ultimate customer experience. There is an impatience and insincerity, often palpable in the worker bees on the front lines of customer service roles, that serves as a reminder of the transactional nature of our fleeting relationship with them. In a world where almost everything feels transactional in nature, how then do we build authentic relationships with others?

Story time: A few months ago, the friendly barista at the Starbucks drive-through made an odd comment, complimenting my unique credit card, when she noticed my last name on the card. She said, “Oh, I see you are Italian!” Don't ask me why, but people love to comment on my Italian last name. After I explained it was my former partner’s last name and he was the Italian one, she sheepishly apologized for bringing it up, and I told her, ‘Forgggett abboutt ittt’ in a thick Italian accent rolling off my tongue. Ok, I didn't really say it like that, but I did tell her, “Don’t worry, it’s in the past. Have a great day!” as I zoomed off, steaming hot vanilla latte in hand. In that moment, I began wondering if Starbucks' new corporate strategy for global domination lies in cross-training their baristas as therapists. But it begs the question: Can these mega-corps ever actually have our best interests at heart? From dating apps to coffee shops, there is a new effort underway to help people connect, and yet they all seem to be failing miserably as the loneliness epidemic has skyrocketed.

So then, how do we get beyond the surface level and form deeper connections without seeming all woo-woo or, worse, accidentally intrusive? It often seems that our relationships are largely circumstantial. We end up developing friendships with those in our physical proximity through shared lived experiences. Sometimes, serendipity helps connections happen naturally. Other times, nothing quite goes our way. We may find ourselves halfway across the world, in a faraway land, a cultural misfit, with no known friends or family in sight, wondering what to do now. The life of instant gratification and accessibility has far-reaching effects. Even once-remote locations are now well traversed with tourists pouring in from all over the world. Technology, especially social media, has given us the impression of still being connected to each other, no matter how far we travel or how long we are gone for. But it's different now; the connections sometimes seem more superficial, and breaking bread and developing lifelong friendships is sometimes harder to achieve. Many are closed off to the real world now, content to sit inside in the relative comfort and safety of their domicile, dismayed at the 24-hour news cycle, and detached from loved ones and the natural world.

The Covid lockdowns accelerated a negative trend that was already well in motion, one of disconnection and isolation. In years leading up to Covid, there had already been a steady uptick in the number of hours spent online, many of which can be attributed to highly addictive social media consumption. Other measurements of public health have also been in decline, with average lifespan decreasing in recent years, and more Americans than ever suffering from preventable health conditions. Many people are simply overworked in an effort to combat the relentless economic pressures facing families today. With so many taking on second jobs and side gigs, it is not surprising that we often feel we don’t have enough time or resources for self-care and socializing without guilt. The lack of in-person socialization and displacement from our communities of origin, has led to a fracturing of our sense of identity and exacerbated feelings of isolation.

So then, what is a person supposed to do who desires authentic relationships with real people? The first step can be a deep introspection and finding areas that would improve our quality of life.

The following list contains a few steps for how to get started:

Show Genuine Interest and Empathy: Ask open-ended questions and show empathy towards others' experiences. Demonstrating that you care about their well-being and experiences can help deepen your connection. Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of another person. (Source: Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships. Bantam Books.)

Spend Quality Time Together: Prioritize spending quality time with people. Whether it's a shared meal, a walk, or engaging in a hobby together, quality time can strengthen bonds and create lasting memories. Face-to-face interactions are more impactful than digital communication for building deep connections. (Source: Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Press.)

Be Vulnerable and Authentic: Sharing your true self, including your fears, dreams, and insecurities, can encourage others to do the same. Vulnerability fosters intimacy and trust, creating a foundation for authentic relationships. (Source: Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.)

Practice Mindfulness and Presence: Being present in the moment and practicing mindfulness can enhance your ability to connect with others. Mindfulness helps you to fully engage in interactions without being distracted by past or future concerns. (Source: Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. Hyperion.)

Participate in Community Activities: Joining clubs, volunteering, or participating in local events can provide opportunities to meet like-minded individuals. Shared activities and goals often lead to deeper connections. (Source: Putnam, R. D. (2000). Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon & Schuster.)

Conclusion: Building authentic relationships requires intentional effort and a willingness to connect on a deeper level. By showing genuine interest, spending quality time together, being vulnerable, practicing mindfulness, and engaging in community activities, individuals can foster meaningful connections that enrich their lives and contribute to a supportive community. These actions can help overcome the barriers to authentic relationships in our modern, often disconnected world.

Note: The development of Aclypsa was born out of a desire to build a different kind of company. An app developed with a focus on wellness, our community provides a supportive environment to obtain optimal health. Whether you are interested in physical fitness, nutrition topics, or cognitive & psycho-social well-being, each member will be able to take a tailored and holistic approach to living optimally. Deepen your connection with others & optimize your life with the supportive community of Aclypsa.

If you’d like to meet in person for wellness activities, join the wait-list to connect with others from the Aclypsa tribe and be notified as soon as the app launches!

Have some thoughts on this topic? Drop a line in the comments, we’d love to hear from you.